I almost made a stupid decision jana. But I didn’t and today I’m thankful I didn’t. It made me realise that I am not willing to seek short term solutions which have long term consequences any longer. Before I always wanted to feel better right that instant, not thinking of how I’d pay for that later.
Reminding myself that how I was feeling was transitory also helped.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This may be a cliched saying but it is quite true. I kept hopping back on the merry-go-round, getting excited yet again at the beginning, only to inevitably crash and burn and begin the process of dusting myself again. Yet somehow I tend to forget this when an opportunity presents itself. Not this time though… So yeah minor yet major win for me!
Just do you- India Arie
So usually when I say I am done with something…I am but upto a point. There is always a ka-door left open somewhere which usually allows bullshit to come back. Gah!
Deleting only used to be my preferred mode. The good thing, I can’t contact you anymore…the bad, you can still contact me. Then I’m back in the quagmire.
Something struck me leo during my weekly sessions. If something is bothering you, find out if its a transitory feeling. If its not, either do something about it or suck it up. Now I refuse to continue letting things within my sphere of influence irritate my life. I can’t change someone’s actions/words but I can choose how I respond or react to them.
Slight digression: Ever felt that you might have dreamed up a conversation? When someone denies what they said before, of course under the guise of “Just to be clear” mpaka you wonder if you hallucinated the whole thing. I now see why certain friends take screen shots or refuse to delete conversation threads. You need proof sometimes, because some people will deny and deny and deny and continue to deny so well mpaka you wonder if you made it all up.
Anyhu, I’m now team blocking. No arguments, no convoluted discussions about “then why did you say xyz”. Nah, “ok then” and block…and move on.
I can’t say I’m moving on if I keep attracting the same old bullshit in my life.
Shake it off- Taylor Swift
As I get older (eeek) a few things have been occurring to me.
1. I can’t have a year like this one. I refuse, I rebuke it all.
2. I thought alot about giving up on my dream. I told myself that all this trying and trying and trying some more is getting me nowhere. Doubts set in with each disappointment and makes me question myself. But as one of my friends is fond of saying, its not over until you’re dead. So yeah I guess I’ll try some more. Plus try new things..even those I don’t particularly wish to do.
3. I refuse to center my life on someone. Never again. I have really thought about the reasons why this breakup has really wezad me, and this is one of the reasons. Trying to center my life on my values. Those are unchanging regardless of time.
4. I watched this TED talk by Brené Brown on “The power of Vulnerability” on Friday, and it felt like she was inside my head. You can’t suppress feelings selectively. So when you numb negative feelings, you numb the good ones as well. I think that’s why this year I have felt like I’ve been living under a permanent grey cloud. So I started doing a gratitude exercise suggested by a pal. Writing down 3 things I am thankful for everyday. I don’t write everyday, but I am working on it.
When some people decide to go, why can’t they stay gone? Everyone comes with their own brand of weirdness yes? So if you feel you can’t handle my particular brand, you are free to leave. I’ll get over it.
My confusion comes when you decide you want to make a comeback. Did you think it through? Ask yourself if really you want to get involved again? I honestly think some people don’t take this step. You just decide to show up fuuaaa like that. I don’t understand. Is it that you had forgotten the reason why you decide to go in the first place, or you figured you can handle it now, or it is not an issue for you anymore? All the questions.
The way I am so calm when I tell you to just stay away…and you insist that no, you want us to talk again. I’m like really? Because sooner or later (usually sooner) the same issues resurface. Also one helpful point, wait for me to tell you I am angry. Don’t assume I am…because you think you know me better than I know myself. Another thing…if I say the issue is “x”, why do you decide my issue is “y”? Am I not speaking in plain English?
Today I just shrugged and thought “this is why I didn’t want to get into this in the first place”.
What amused me today is I seriously sat and wondered if maybe I am imagining my own things. The way you can deny certain behaviours so hard mpaka I’m like “is it me?”…then I found out it wasn’t me! It was a real thing. Ha!!
- Magic- MNEK Cover
- Wrote a song about you- MNEK
Things that are making me happier:
- Making triple chunk brownies and serving it with salted caramel icecream as dinner last nice…Oh and rose. It was so good! Gah like crack!!! I’m going to freeze the rest of the brownies and save them for needed moments..
- Talking back to the voice in my head that brings back unhappy thoughts….its a work in progress…but hey its working..and I’m taking all the small wins I can get.
- Enough with the stalking (ahem shame face)….it does me no good. I avoided it jana. Another win!
- Listening to Deitrick Haddon…so calming.
- Through it all- Deitrick Haddon
- Fire we make (remix)- Raheem DeVaughn (can’t get over this song)
Just when I was patting myself on the back that hey, I’ve moved on…all bitterness and anger is out of the door. I can calmly ignore and not dwell on the past…yeah I rejoiced too soon.
When I found myself last night grinding my teeth as I tried hard not to think (why is it that when you don’t want to think about something, it becomes the only thing you think about?)..2 tears managed to make it past and for the first time I can say I was too angry to cry. Win! (I will take it!)
Realising that I am still filled with alot of anger and bitterness in my spirit. Self awareness I guess is the first step. Except I have been stuck on this damn step for ages. At which point will I go back to my sunshiny self?
Calmly thinking and planning for my next road trip calmed me down. A bit….I found myself still grinding my teeth in the car today.
I seriously think I’m done with relationships… It is just too much work..and I cannot say I have enjoyed any of the emotional ups and downs I’ve been on these last 6 months. That energy and focus needs to all go to other aspects of my life. Yup.
And because I need to smile by force….playing some “I’m too sexy” by Right Said Fred. That song never fails to bring a smile on my face.
When that sharp pain in my gut shows me that I haven’t yet moved on. Such nasty feelings I still harbour.
Found some mandazis that my aunt dropped off on Sunday morning and proceeded to eat 10 of them at once. Ok, fine they were small…but still, TEN??? Oh self discipline when will I ever get the hang of it? This is why I cannot have goodies in the house…because they disappear so fast.
Oh well…we shall try and do better tomorrow.
On an unrelated note: little things I used to take for granted but appreciate so much now…like a uber clean house, and laundry. Sigh….it has not been such a horrible day after all…
- Tonight- Miguel Migs feat. Meshell Ndegeocello (Fred Everything Lazy Vocal Mix)