When some people decide to go, why can’t they stay gone? Everyone comes with their own brand of weirdness yes? So if you feel you can’t handle my particular brand, you are free to leave. I’ll get over it.
My confusion comes when you decide you want to make a comeback. Did you think it through? Ask yourself if really you want to get involved again? I honestly think some people don’t take this step. You just decide to show up fuuaaa like that. I don’t understand. Is it that you had forgotten the reason why you decide to go in the first place, or you figured you can handle it now, or it is not an issue for you anymore? All the questions.
The way I am so calm when I tell you to just stay away…and you insist that no, you want us to talk again. I’m like really? Because sooner or later (usually sooner) the same issues resurface. Also one helpful point, wait for me to tell you I am angry. Don’t assume I am…because you think you know me better than I know myself. Another thing…if I say the issue is “x”, why do you decide my issue is “y”? Am I not speaking in plain English?
Today I just shrugged and thought “this is why I didn’t want to get into this in the first place”.
What amused me today is I seriously sat and wondered if maybe I am imagining my own things. The way you can deny certain behaviours so hard mpaka I’m like “is it me?”…then I found out it wasn’t me! It was a real thing. Ha!!
- Magic- MNEK Cover
- Wrote a song about you- MNEK
Things that are making me happier:
- Making triple chunk brownies and serving it with salted caramel icecream as dinner last nice…Oh and rose. It was so good! Gah like crack!!! I’m going to freeze the rest of the brownies and save them for needed moments..
- Talking back to the voice in my head that brings back unhappy thoughts….its a work in progress…but hey its working..and I’m taking all the small wins I can get.
- Enough with the stalking (ahem shame face)….it does me no good. I avoided it jana. Another win!
- Listening to Deitrick Haddon…so calming.
- Through it all- Deitrick Haddon
- Fire we make (remix)- Raheem DeVaughn (can’t get over this song)
Just when I was patting myself on the back that hey, I’ve moved on…all bitterness and anger is out of the door. I can calmly ignore and not dwell on the past…yeah I rejoiced too soon.
When I found myself last night grinding my teeth as I tried hard not to think (why is it that when you don’t want to think about something, it becomes the only thing you think about?)..2 tears managed to make it past and for the first time I can say I was too angry to cry. Win! (I will take it!)
Realising that I am still filled with alot of anger and bitterness in my spirit. Self awareness I guess is the first step. Except I have been stuck on this damn step for ages. At which point will I go back to my sunshiny self?
Calmly thinking and planning for my next road trip calmed me down. A bit….I found myself still grinding my teeth in the car today.
I seriously think I’m done with relationships… It is just too much work..and I cannot say I have enjoyed any of the emotional ups and downs I’ve been on these last 6 months. That energy and focus needs to all go to other aspects of my life. Yup.
And because I need to smile by force….playing some “I’m too sexy” by Right Said Fred. That song never fails to bring a smile on my face.
When that sharp pain in my gut shows me that I haven’t yet moved on. Such nasty feelings I still harbour.
Found some mandazis that my aunt dropped off on Sunday morning and proceeded to eat 10 of them at once. Ok, fine they were small…but still, TEN??? Oh self discipline when will I ever get the hang of it? This is why I cannot have goodies in the house…because they disappear so fast.
Oh well…we shall try and do better tomorrow.
On an unrelated note: little things I used to take for granted but appreciate so much now…like a uber clean house, and laundry. Sigh….it has not been such a horrible day after all…
- Tonight- Miguel Migs feat. Meshell Ndegeocello (Fred Everything Lazy Vocal Mix)
Waking up to another rejection notice is such a sucky way of starting the day. So this is me determined not to let it drag me down. Slapped on some red lipstick (Ruby Woo from Mac is so lush!) and a pair of my favourite earrings to cheer me up. The little things always do.
On an unrelated note: Red lippie is so high maintenance! I mean first was the whole apply, blot, apply routine; then comes me trying to drink my usual cups of tea….gaaahhh….red marks all over the cup!
I just want this day to end, so I can go and snuggle up to my true love Bruce Wayne, a cup of rooibos or green and jasmine tea and chocolate chip icecream…
- Fire we make (remix)- Raheem DeVaughn
A routine is clearly so necessary for me. I veered off mine jana and boy did I pay for it.
- Case of the feelings
- Tears and bad words said to self
- Resorted to wine. Worst idea ever. I so need to go on another no-wine-allowed challenge for the next couple of months. Sip some tea and feel the feelings instead of trying to cover them up.
- Finished the 3 mountains of laundry that had been taunting me for weeks. See why routine is important? At least now I have my room back instead of a cave.
- Read alot…always good…even the trashy books (shame-faced guilty pleasure).
- Reconnected with an old friend. I can be volatile at times…which leads to friend mishaps along the way.
What to work on
- Being less dramatic
- Hiding my phone/ computer when I am worked up. Always a bad decision when I pick it up.
- Resume my routine.
- Going out of my head- Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66
Hurting, and badly….
Two words, “Will do” did it for me leo.
Having to admit I wanted more than said two impersonal words…having to really accept the inevitable. Go easier on myself on days like this when all I can be to myself is cruel and negative. It has not been a good day.
Also thinking if the other part of myself fell into place, I wouldn’t be hurting so bad. As is it…its all minus figures today. I’m clearly a better friend/support system to others that I am to myself. I watched myself in the mirror, and I couldn’t muster up the comforting words I’d have found for those who have my heart. Times when I am unable to deal, yet my pride won’t let me reach out for those who I know care…one of those painful kinda days.
I’m tired though…of the gray days…I want the return of the carefree, happy, blissful, sunny yellow aura kinda days. I think I’m due for one of those nah?
- Going out of my head- Luther Vandross
- My sensitivity- Luther Vandross
- Adore you- Miley Cyrus