Wants

So in the spirit of self-renewal and all that jazz, I decided to give up on several things. I had several reasons for this: a) To prove I could (admittedly I did slip up when I first started but yeah still on the bus); b) To understand why it wasn’t making me happy. I should be feeling happy and relaxed, not beating myself up because I feel like crap every single time; c) Not having to worry about the consequences. Yeah one of my friends brought it up and I laughed so hard because I honestly hadn’t thought of it at all, yes it was a bonus.

But ghai! It is harder said than done. Oh my lawd! I’ve heard people say that it will get easier with time. But yeah….I need time to speed up on this, to get to the place where I’m ok with it. I’ve been told to take up exercising and devote those energies else where….ummm I will see if that works out.

I kinda wish it was like a tap. So if I didn’t want to want then I could just switch it off and proceed with life as usual. Or become one of those people who say they don’t miss it, can live happily without it and la-di-da.

It doesn’t help that sometimes I proceed to torture myself…as I did before I wrote this post (I had to get this off my chest). Have it say it is very random things that set me off…and bring back memories of what I liked.

 

ValFM:

A la modeliste (Bonobo remix)- Regeneration

Lessons

So this week I was tasked with finding out what exactly makes me angry. Its quite illuminating to break it down into smaller components. Hopefully that will make it easier to deal with.

Un-learning how to focus and learning how to focus on new things. Easier said than done.

Disassociating my interests from the one who once shared them. Its working well in some areas, not so much in other areas.

Taking small comfort where I can. That it is better to have been broken now, than much later when it is seemingly too late, and there are possibly other interests to consider.

Laughing when I think of some of the things I no longer have to worry about…so when I’m late, its not a national disaster…just my hormones going haywire.

There are certain things I know objectively as facts (or maybe just my humble opinions) but I don’t believe in them. I can say that just because one person felt that way, doesn’t make it true. I know that…yet deep down I still feel it is true.

ValFM:

Only love- Ben Howard

The fog

Trying to snap myself out of a funk. Gah….Like actively trying:

1. Music on- tra-la-la-la until it started irritating me. Music off….then I can’t work like that…so music back on.

2. Random headache checks in. I assume its hunger related (yes hunger makes me emotional, cranky, weepy in the extreme and headachey). So I eat…headache gone (yay!)…Funk remains…meh.

3. Push through it and do what I can…meh

One of those days when my head is in a permanent grey fog.

I want to be very far away…or under the duvet eating salted caramel icecream (my new addiction).

ValFM:

  • Half time- Amy Winehouse

Dreaming

I had one of the weirdest dreams last night/ early this morning. Ok it was a cross between a dream and a day dream and all these thoughts in my head. My dreams always feel so real to me so I either wake up screaming and running out of the room (if I haven’t tripped on my sheets and hit myself…yeah I’m super clumsy), or I wake up confused (like juzi when I dreamt I had dunked my head into a fruit salad, and woke up smelling fruit) or wake up super sad, or in tears.

So I woke up today out of sorts and feeling like I’m doing the stages of grief/acceptance/anger…whatever wrong. I mean I actually contemplated doing (in real life) what I dreamt about…I even planned it as I waited for the hot water to come through, figured out which weekend would be best, what I would say, how I’d dress, thinking about all the time and money I’d have wasted the inevitable sadness I’d feel, swelling of the feet, having to hide this from those who would definitely know that I have lost the plot, dealing with the aftermath, how stupid I would look and feel. Yeah my mind was all over the place today.

I feel like I’m clinging (like the proverbial drowning man) to the last vestiges of pride I have left. Trying to make it through just one more day without any stupid actions on my part.

I was so convinced this was it for me. Even throughout the drama I never doubted that this was it. Trying to accept that it is not.

ValFM:

I deserve- Donald

 

 

 

 

Kufungua roho

Decided to get started on my deadline and made a call this morning. Uber scary opening up (yes I know I have spilled my guts on this here blog but still)…

Kufungua roho..I’m told its quite draining but heh, anything is better than this current feeling.

So let’s see how it goes.

ValFM:

  • Zuzu (remix)- Elani

Deadline

I told myself during one of my “aha” moments that I have  until the end of this year to stop dwelling. Still don’t understand why I feel no further along that I did in January which sucks.

Yes I know it is an arbitrary deadline and if January fikas and I still feel the same way I shall be  upset but still…its something to work towards.

Recently I’ve had some conversations where people either assume I’m back in the game or encourage me to get back in the game. When I say “meh”, they nod somewhat smugly and say that will change soon when I meet the right one. But what makes one the “right one”? Really what? I thought I had figured that out, turns out I was seriously wrong….so I don’t trust my judgement right now.

Had some other conversations and read some interviews lately that show me when it works, it really works…but again “meh”. I’ve been rethinking my personal narrative lately, what I thought was wasn’t in many aspects and at the same time, I don’t want what I currently mirror.

Too many thoughts rattling around.

ValFM:

  • Down on one- Sarkodie ft Fuse ODG