Re-birth

Went through a couple of my previous posts, and noticed that my posts had gotten sadder since the start of this semester. This means its time for a change. I mean I was reading my posts from early on this year, and I had a smile on my face coz I can remember exactly what was going on in my life when I was writing those posts. But its hard for me to read the latter posts…some are so painful that I just skip right past them.

From my attitude toward God and my spiritual life, my relationships with my family, friends and men, to my issues with food and weight….that all needs to change!

I want..no need to be happy. Recover my sanity and my self-esteem (esteem of the self **love Katt Williams*** he speaks the truth!!!) And all this needs to come from me. Not anyone else.

God, I kinda lost faith. I can see that from my behaviour. The decline in the church visits, the bible study sessions, spiritual readings etc. I think when I was going through those hard emotional times, I turned away from HIS presence, rather than turn towards Him. Which is wrong,,,,and probably why I felt so crappy at times. I need to find my way back to Him..

Men, come to realise that maybe I’m not cut out for this relationship vybe.  Seriously. I’m tired, so tired….right now I feel single..even act single at times though I’m supposed to be in a relationship. But what kind of relationship is this? How can someone refuse to talk to me for over 2 weeks and still think everything is ok? Sending me a “Merry Christmas” text today. That was the extent of communication received. And what is surprising me is that I’m not as upset as I would be. Normally I’d be so pissed…so mad!! We’d fight until we come to some sort of decision. But not this time…seriously I can’t be bothered. I honestly feel that we’re slowly heading down the break-up route…but it shall be his decision. Not planning to rush anything. To be honest I’m not totally innocent, as any person I’ve done my fair share of damage….but this silence? Too much. Maybe its age….am I ready??? I don’t want to give that much of myself away anymore….no…nope! Then we have blasts from the past. Today made the decision to honestly stop talking to my first ex. It hurts too much. Even a simple holiday greeting from him has the power to keep me awake for ages, with a gnawing feeling in my tummy. I need to delete him completely and utterly, exorcise every memory from my bank.

Okie so this post feels like a journal entry to me……(breathing audibly)..feels good to have that out! Not saying that these are New Year resolutions (seeing as I’m planning to do them today)…so yeah, let’s just call them changes shall we? Christmas is as good a day as any…it is a day for re-birth. The birth of our Saviour….feels like the right time for my re-birth as well.

Today was a nice day. My girl and I stuffed a chicken according to Jamie’s recipe. See it here:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/meat-recipes/perfect-roast-chicken

It was yummy!!! We ate it with potatoes…then had some caramel icecream and settled in to watch Stomp the Yard. Oh my…but si there are some fine men in that movie!!!!!!!!! Fine!!!!!!!!!! Sigh….

Hope y’all had a good Christmas xx