So he does something stupid…and you get upset…it might take him a while to figure out why exactly you’re mad. You might be the type to actually say “What you did upset me”…or the type that sulks, bursts into tears, walks around banging stuff just to express your anger, mumbles (loudly) under your breath “Useless men….etc”, goes quiet and cold…Whatever.
Point is, he has realised that you are upset..and that HE is the cause of your upset state. So comes the usual conversation;
“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you”
“Really? So what EXACTLY are you sorry for?”
Now in my experience and that of my friends, alot of guys have NO idea what the heck they are apologising for. They simply say sorry just to get you back into a good mood..or maybe to stop you banging things when he’s trying to watch something (cynical I know).
So now this is me wondering if you should just accept the apology…and move on..even though he really doesn’t understand why he upset you so much.
Playing:
Bust your windows- Jazmine Sullivan
26 responses so far ↓
Miss Cheri // February 6, 2009 at 4:23 pm |
Been lurking around looking to score firsties….finally!
Miss Cheri // February 6, 2009 at 4:23 pm |
Jazmin Sullivan rocks hard rocks!!!!!
She does indeed
And why am I being moderated? Is it something I did?
Lol…un-moderated you dear..
Igis // February 6, 2009 at 5:19 pm |
From a guys point of view, we NEVER EVER have a clue why you are upset or what we have done/not done. When we ask whats wrong and you say its “nothing”, we get more confused. We can only hope then that you will just forgive us.
hehehe…..so why apologise if you don’t know what you’re apologising for? This is what bothers me
King // February 6, 2009 at 6:54 pm |
Co-signing with Igiss.
I just wish all y’all would just tell us what we did and why you’re mad. Life would be soo much simpler.
Sometimes I can’t believe that a guy would do/ say something and not KNOW that it would upset someone..how???
And why we apologise when we don’t know whatagwan? Because we want to get the un-mad you back, sort of like a sacrifice.
Aha!
But mostly because things never get back to normal if we don’t apologise,
You’re so right about this part..
even when we have NO idea why we’re apologising.
’sup.
Shiko-Msa // February 6, 2009 at 7:58 pm |
aii guys how can you do wrong and not know?
My question exactly!
Princess // February 6, 2009 at 8:13 pm |
Nope. I don’t accept the apology, if he does not know what he is apologising for.
We’re thinking alike…
3TOC // February 6, 2009 at 8:40 pm |
People., the guy is apologizing FOR UPSETTING you, not for whatever it is that he has done to upset you..He knows for sure he has upset you, the details are not important (sii you said he did something stupid). Guys just want an easy life-
Ati details are not important?? lol..that is true
I know only one guy who qualifies for a drama queen.
Can you imagine how hard it must be to say sorry for something you do not know?You would you do it?Me siwezi. Thankfully I am not the guy.
I wouldn’t apologise if I didn’t know why I was apologising…thanks goodness I’m a woman
hehe mami sii you talk to the dude.
mboizmnoma // February 6, 2009 at 9:43 pm |
talk to the guy! period.
that way you wont feel awkward when he apologises and then you realize he doesnt know what for.
Now why would I feel awkward? I’d be upset still!
Darius Stone // February 6, 2009 at 10:47 pm |
Val. You’ve just described a classic case of durama central. Experience teaches us men that there are three parts to this conversation. Firstly, the actual act that led to the drama. Secondly, the impact it has on you and the fact that you’re feeling upset. Lastly, your continued agitation about the fact that he doesn’t even recognize (how dare he) the reason why you are upset. All these 3 parts are mutually exclusive to guys.
How dare he indeed!
1. Guys are not mind readers, and for all intents and purposes, what upsets you may not necessarily upset him – and a consequence of this is that genuinely, he might not actually give a damn about the issue because there’s no reason for it to be apparent. Saying that, some actions are obvious, but this is not always the case. Equally, its unreasonable for you to expect him to know every single fact that is upsetting you.
I don’t expect the man to mind read me…but some things are too obvious…even for a man you must know at what point you have crossed the line…
2. Unless you tell him how the impact of his actions are upsetting you, again, its unreasonable to expect a guy to read your mind – and its a classic case where the ladder of assumptions about what each of you are thinking leads to a place both of you don’t want to be. And all because you both assumed instead of exploring what each other needed to or were thinking about the situation.
I agree with you..talking is important
3. Continuing to be agitated that he doesn’t even recognize that he’s upset you is pure and simple, self inflicted. If point 1 and 2 above are not satisfied, its very unlikely that point 3 will ever be. So stop inflicting pain on yourself and talk it through – the key word being talk with him and not to him or at him.
As for the apology – look at it as an attempt to find some common ground to get you into a zone – any zone – that it seems reasonable to talk to you again. At this point, the preceeding drama doesn’t really count, and its pretty much damage limitation to make life a bit easier. That’s why the generic apology.
I can tell you that most guys don’t love drama – and women can be classic inciters for it when there’s absolutely no reason. For example…there’s no point of screaming your head off why a guy keeps replacing the toilet paper and making it face the wrong way (believe – there’s some anally retentive girls out there) and it makes your whole bathroom look out of place and awkward and yada yada yada….
Err okie…that is a bit too much
You were obviously using it when you noticed – just change the damn thing.
Personal experience here?
Moral of the story: You also have a role in communicating that decides whether the drama is managed or amplified unnecessarily.
I (as a woman) have a role yes..but so does he..a man cannot simply feel free to say and do whatever he feels like..and use the excuse “I’m a man..How am I supposed to know that what I said/did would upset you?”….Point I’m trying to get across is that sometimes, some words/ actions are so obviously hurtful..for you (as a man) not to realise what you have said/ done is hurtful is just being insensitive..it has nothing to do with being a man..and woman liking to incite drama or whatever….
…And there endeth Friday’s lesson….LOL!
3TOC // February 6, 2009 at 11:09 pm |
LOL@ mister who does not like big words, Darius I was hovering here,just waiting for you to get here. I knew you would give a lecture. I am laughing so loud right now, my neighbours might think it is thunder.LOL.
3TOC you are special…and I agree…Darius should change that list of “Five things you don’t know about Darius Stone”..hehe
Darius Stone // February 6, 2009 at 11:21 pm |
LMAO @3. See – me is a crusader for guys who get wrong press….
Ebu just get back in your blanket…LOL!
Mama // February 7, 2009 at 9:06 am |
Lucky for those who have sensitive guys or as I call them with my friends ’sen-sa-tave’. I guess it depends, you know women are complex weird creatures I have to agree with the men on this one.
If my S.O. upsets me and he doesn’t know why, he will pick the clue from my demeanor, then he will start asking that we talk about why I am upset, and then proceed to apologise profusely for it. This will end up making me feel foolish (most times) for silent treating him when it could have easily been solved by talking. I guess its easy to accept the apology when it’s done like that even if he didn’t know what he did to annoy me in the first place.
For me..if we have talked about it..then you apologise then thats fine..but If I tell u I’m upset..then you just trot out a generic..”Sorry”..then nuh-uh..won’t fly with me
King // February 7, 2009 at 10:16 am |
Co-signing with Mr Stone all the way!
pinkmemoirs // February 7, 2009 at 12:33 pm |
As suprising as this is, I’m with Mr Stone. Shouting, throwing things around get’s us lumped in the drama queen category.
What I’d do is accept his apology for upsetting me, then point out why I’m upset, that way, dude doesn’t keep repeating the same thing time and time again.
For me..that just seems like a generic apology so I really don’t accept such..now if you apologise because we have discussed the issue..and you know exactly what was bothering me..then that I would accept
Men are simple, and I’ve realised they don’t like sorting out the domestics, they just want peace. But since we women must sort stuff out to be at peace, then take initiative to tell him what exactly is wrong.
Darius Stone // February 7, 2009 at 3:17 pm |
Val…
I actually agree with you that some actions are so obvious that someone has to be on another planet to realise they’re not upsetting you…I think I expressed that earlier…But there’s many times though that it ain’t so obvious.
I also agree with you that using the excuse that you’re a man therefore you can say anything without consideration of its impact is just not right. In fact, I’ll go as far as saying some guys are just out of line period…and I know many of them. I maintain communication is for both parties not just for one, but sometimes, it has to be initiated by one of you. Its an art that both of you get used to the more you do it…
As for the example…LOL! Not a personal experience – just drama picked up along the way from tales of the battle of the sexes….
Tandra // February 7, 2009 at 5:35 pm |
interesting… im heading over to Darius’ seems to know a thing or two.
Val, u get upset and get over it coz he wont ever get it if u tell him and even then, he might forget and do the same thing.
So either deal with the outcome or make a drastic change in ur life
lulu // February 8, 2009 at 2:03 pm |
i think tell him why you upset that should work to help you feel better
whether he says sorry or not atleast he knowws shy
but the sorry does count! whether he feels it or not!
boyfulani. // February 8, 2009 at 8:09 pm |
phew!
Val…even me is clueless sometimes…though me av zoea-d don’t care chicks who are hard to break down when ‘am acting perfectly normal’….met one who found fault in everything….and never want such one again.
OK, av no solution per se, buts that’s my 2 cents…Val…just be!
Mr. B2B... // February 9, 2009 at 6:35 am |
Well Well
Val, you surely need a basik opinion!!
i will sum it up in a post…
real soon
Zax // February 9, 2009 at 8:01 am |
The true essence of forgiveness is not asking for details 2 the forgiveness… Its about the thought of forgiveness, Ukiamua kumsamehe mtu, mbona uulize ni kipi anaombea msamaha! And this goes two way, chics just dont say they are sorry, or do they? Si they make you say sorry even when they are on offence?
When you have been together with someone and wish to still spend your time with them, then its critical that u learn to accept their ways, and appreciate the importance of actually ignoring things… in the longrun when u can talk about things, someone will open up and truly give details… those for… remember when we fought about this and that… it was coz of this and that… pole sana… but holding a heavy heart and a gloomy face demanding specifics of the sorry will just wear u down my dear… then again, maybe its just me.
jny23ug // February 9, 2009 at 8:08 am |
I guess its just automatic.
Guys apologise to get things back to normal.
No need to know what wrong one did. Good
thing most ladies take the apology and smile
again.
---Supreme-G.R.E.A.M--- // February 9, 2009 at 9:26 am |
There is this scene in the movie Wanted where Fox tells Wesly that he apologizes too much. I later thought about it and noticed that I too apologize too much even for things I dont know about.
I decided not to do it again. Over the weekend some lady calls. She rants rants rants rants for 40 minutes on phone. To cut her short and end the conversation, I told her I am guilty of all she had accused me of. She later asks what it is and I really didnt have an idea. I just wanted her to stop.
Then again if you apologize you appear thick skinned. Women need to point out what really upsets them an then we move on
Sybella // February 11, 2009 at 2:16 pm |
when he apologizes, explain to him what upset you so that it won’t be repeated…. if not, it will definitely happen again
Mr. B2B... // February 12, 2009 at 3:38 pm |
Ok Val
i put up the post finally
hola
you doing ok??
Mo // February 13, 2009 at 3:13 pm |
Oh, sh*t! Looks like the girls have cottoned on.
Time for Plan B.
boyfulani. // February 15, 2009 at 11:25 am |
u been lost girl!
come back val!
Hey BoyF…mad loss of blogging mojo….trying trying….
how was your vals..by the way?
Lets not go there…hope you had a good one